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"Have you ever thought about hugs?, a simple embrace, it may seem to you, but to me it is an amazingly efficient way to bring my heart close to yours."

-John Gold, via his myspace profile.







*HUGS* TOTAL!
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Because I love hugs.




Sandwiches. They make the best friends. Still, it did not take long for me to simply grow tired of going through the daily hassle of opening two jars just to make one peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my lunch at the office. I spent many a night lying awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, my head in constant turmoil over what to do. To the drawing board I went, feverishly scribbling complicated mathematical formulas, using the greek alphabet to assist me in properly representing variables. Only after falling off the toilet and bumping my head on the sink faucet did the vision of the flux capacitor enter my mind. With this device, time travel was finally possible, and my time machine could be properly constructed. For months I slaved under the hood of the DeLorean to bring the dream to life, and at long last, my life seemed fulfilled as I put the final coat of wax on the driver's side door. Reflecting now upon my journeys back and forth between the past and the future, I still recognize to this day that making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is just way too much work. I mean really, I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars and cleaning who knows how many knives. It's ridiculous.


I'm sorry to say that it was not my genius that created the lovely literary work that you have just had the priveledge to read. It was the profile of Dustin Frost, who used to play trombone for an awesome Wisconsin ska band called I Voted For Kodos (heh, he quit tho :(). Check them out at http://www.IV4K.com/




"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
- Elanor Roosevelt








MITCH HEDBERG QUOTE TIME!!!! [read it or I'll hunt you down and kill your firstborn child...and if you don't want to have children, and you're the firstborn child in your family, then I shall be forced to kill YOU!]

•If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.

•I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."

•I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."

•The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had on had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways.

•I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Shit, it's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled!"

•Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

•You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?

•You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'

•I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

•I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, so every bite was a surprise as to how much cheese I had applied to each cracker. That's why I believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

•I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

•I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito Dad, you know how I like mine: .......with grill marks."

•I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. "That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the fucking holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it's is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.

•I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.

•I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.

•I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.

•I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs. God god dammit dammit!

•I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

•Fettuccini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

•I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

•I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil... and the devil was Dill.

•You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."

•This sign says "IMPROV". I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an "E" on the end of it.

•See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny.

•At some comedy clubs they pass out comment cards. You fill it out with your name and address, and there's a line for comments for people to put what they think. Sometimes people write negative things, and that's not necessary. I've read some that say "Mitch sucks" but I look up above and it has their name and address. That's right, I do suck, but I've got a lot of free time.

•In the club when they want you to get offstage they turn on a red light that indicated you have five minutes left. Some clubs they'll hold up a candle in the back. That's the worst method because you're up here drinking and you look in the back and see a floating candle. "Aw shit, this place is haunted. I cannot be funny when I'm frightened."

•This shit is funny. Why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like...a sword.

•Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

•I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

•I heard the last comic say you guys fuckin' rock I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real fucking big. You make the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist.

•The host said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name.

•I went to Ireland to tell jokes [Guy in Audience]: WOO HOO! [Mitch]: That's right, and thats why I left, 'cuz fuckers go "Woo hoo!" I can't take "Woo hoo" anymore. And I'll be damned if they don't do it here too!

•I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

•I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! If you jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!"

•I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

•In the South, they say y'all in the South. They take out the o and the u, so when I'm in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... S'p? Come on, I'm in the South, you understand me! I mean, I'm in the S'th, and I want some s'p! I stubbed my toe... 'ch!... I need to lay down on the c'ch... I need to get the f'ck 't of the S'th.

•Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."

•I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications...I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" When I was a kid, I used to lie awake in my twin-sized bed wonderin' where my brother was...

•I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!"

•I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."

•I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

•I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.

•I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'

•I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

•I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough. Instead of 'hello,' I say STOP!!!"

•I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"

•Dr. Scholl is a doctor, which means he spent nine years in med school. That man wasted his time. It took him nine years to learn that cushions make shoes comfortable. I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. Maybe even a Señor Scholl.

•I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

•I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

•This jacket is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty.

•My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

•I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer was wearing no shirt and leather pants, and he had like a "Flying V" guitar. He got up on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."

•You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool.

•I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

•I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

•I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away. And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

•My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause in there."

•I knew a woman who was a good friend of mine, and she gave me a friendship card that said "a friend is one of life's most beautiful gifts." On the inside were a bunch of quotes about friendship. Got me thinking that maybe I should quit stealing money out of her purse. But I couldn't, because her birthday was fast approaching.

•I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit."
Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor."
If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I messed up.

•I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

•I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!

•Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

•I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

•I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.

•I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!"

•My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.

•This is gonna blow my cover but I like the FedEx driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says, "Mitch, where's the drugs?" I just say, "Call the 1-800 number." Your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 AM and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.

•To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?"

•I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

•When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure ... but we ran into a bear; that was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Duayne was standing there raising his right hand swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."
When I went to England to tell this joke, I had to find out if they knew who Smokey the Bear was. But they didn't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say 'here comes that frog' in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. 'Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll settle near me, and I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world.

•My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

•I was in my hotel's shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.

•Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

•I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Move." I thought that was rude so I said, "Go to hell," then I started to run. He caught me, though. He had on a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a lip ring, two eyebrow piercings, a pair of sunglasses, a pony-tail, and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, man, you got a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranium accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you got a lot of shit on your head!"

•I would imagine if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. You'd say "Shut up! I don't understand! 'Share'...'the'...'we'...'too' -- I don't get it!"

•When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!

•If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

•I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."

•I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

•Thirteen's an unlucky number. If thirteen's unlucky, then so should the letter B be. Cuz B looks like a scrunched together thirteen. "Hello. What's your name?" "BOB" "Get the fuck away!"

•I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

•I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly."

•As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. Weeee." That's what you say when you're having fun — you refer to yourself and some other people.

•I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me."

•I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

•A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

•Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

•In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker.

•I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

•See, I'm a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.

•If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

•I like the American-Canadian border because if you're walkin' along the border with your friend and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. 'What brings you to Canada?' 'That asshole.' 'When are you leaving?' 'When I regain my equilibrium.'

•I've got a fire alarm at home. But really it's like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."

•Mitch:Hey, you can smoke in Minnesota clubs, right? [silence] Can you?
Guy in audience: YOU can! Mitch: Well who the fuck am I? [lights pipe] Mitch Hedberg, that's right.




DEMETRI MARTIN:


"I noticed that there are no b-batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... damn.'"

"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults."

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

"I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that. Get well now."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'"

"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."

"Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore."

"Another word for 'balloon' is: bad breath holder."

"I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25."

"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

"About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)"

"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'"

"I love video games. They are very violent. I wanna design a video game where you have to take care of all the people which have been shot in the other games. "Hey many what are you playing" "Super busy hospital. 2. Please leave me alone I need to concentrate, I'm preforming surgery on a guy who has been shot in the head 57 times.""

"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'"

"I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'"

"I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad."

"I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'"

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'"

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

"From checkers I learned that a king is a guy with a guy that looks exactly like him directly on top of him. But life has told me that that is a queen."

"I'm gonna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make em live together. People will say, 'Are those hermit crabs?' I'll say, 'Not anymore, they're mingling crabs.'"

"A secret admirer is the same as a stalker with stationary."

"Every fight is a food fight... When you're a cannibal."

"I think they named oranges before carrots. "What should we call these?" "These are orange- Oranges". "Ok, well what about these?" " Aw crap, long-pointies?""

"A guy waved to me, then came over and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else". I said "I am.""

"I heard this lady say "I like kids". That's nice. But also kinda weird because it's like saying "I like people...For a little while." "How old are you, 14? Piss off." You can say "I love kids", that's fine. It's once you get into specifics that you get in trouble. I love 12 year olds."

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